My name is Norm. I am a member of the Anti-Shenanigans Rock-Paper-Scissors Coalition of Referees. As the referee of the first-ever, co-ed, heavyweight, rock-paper-scissors, title match, I am here to announce there will be no shenanigans. Not on my watch. No. To avoid any shenanigans from trying to shenanigan their way into this bout, I am going to be a steadfast defender of the following anti-shenanigan rules:
1) 10-round bout;
2) Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, paper beats rock;
a. An open hand indicates paper;
b. A closed fist indicates a rock;
c. An extended and split-into-the-shape-of-a-V pointer finger and middle finger
(known as the peace sign) indicates scissors;
3) Each contestant must bounce his his/her “shooting” fist in the opened palm of his/her opposite hand at least three times before he/she can engage the opponent;
4) Once the ref has completed saying, “one, two, three…” he will command the contestants to “shoot” – upon which time the contestants must shoot a hand gesture that indicates a rock, paper, or scissor (see 2a, 2b, 2c for an explanation of these sign gestures);
5) If the ref deems a contestant has employed a “hesitation shoot,” he can penalize the contestant by taking away one point. A hesitation shoot is defined by the Commission of RPS as “whenever a contestant does not follow the natural rhythm of the 1-2-3 shoot roundup—thereby disrupting the flow of the match and gaining a decided advantage by possibly viewing the opponent’s shoot gesture prior to shooting his/her own gesture;”
6) If a contestant achieves three straight wins before the end of round five, he/she has recorded a knockout victory;
7) If a contestant achieves three straight wins after, but not including, the end of round five, he/she has recorded a technical knockout victory;
8) If the bout lasts the full 10 rounds, the contestant with the most wins has recorded a victory via decision;
9) In the event of a knockdown or injury or other stoppage of the bout, the unaffected contestant must place both arms behind his/her back and must create a look of concern upon his/her face;
10) If the referee senses any unruly shenanigans, he can stop the fight on an instant’s notice.
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